Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service

Articles by josmith5

josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Excuses ,Excuses.......   6/29/2011

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute hi


0 Comments, 58 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lending a Helping Hand   6/29/2011

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to ca


0 Comments, 96 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Noble King Arthur   6/29/2011

King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the mon


0 Comments, 290 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Long Ago in Days of Old   6/29/2011

King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the mon


0 Comments, 42 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"FATASS"   6/29/2011

New Federal Agency

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.


0 Comments, 100 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Government Expansion.....   6/29/2011

New Federal Agency

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.


0 Comments, 13 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Like a Tiger   6/29/2011

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin."

The husband


0 Comments, 384 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Honeymoon   6/29/2011

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin."

The husband


0 Comments, 56 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Old Farmer   6/29/2011

The old farmer sat rocking on the front porch as he talked to the stranger. "Been thirty years since I lost my wife in these woods."

"Oh, I’m sorry, " the stranger said, "It must have been


0 Comments, 382 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Deep in the Woods One Night.......   6/29/2011

Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the fa


0 Comments, 119 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
,Ceiling fans,Playdough,and microwaves.....   6/29/2011

A Woman's Experience With



For those who already have past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have this age, this is not funny. For those who have nearing this age, this i


0 Comments, 110 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
....and thats why he is an executive   6/26/2011

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he di


0 Comments, 78 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Just Fred......   6/26/2011

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred, ' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred, ' the m


0 Comments, 64 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Looking Forward....Looking Back   6/26/2011

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"

The little boy said, "I'm cryi


0 Comments, 40 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
What If ?   6/26/2011

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONK


0 Comments, 62 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
POLITICS   6/26/2011

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven


0 Comments, 35 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Little David   6/26/2011

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David


0 Comments, 126 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Royal Treatment   6/26/2011

President Barack Obama is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force


0 Comments, 61 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
911 Call   6/26/2011

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away!

There’s a damned republican on my front porch and he’s playing with him


0 Comments, 74 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Pepito"   6/26/2011

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.


0 Comments, 70 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Chapter 19   6/26/2011

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear, " Mom said. "By the way, you left you


0 Comments, 84 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
MAN BASHING   6/23/2011

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don’t wome


0 Comments, 17 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
First Time Ever   6/23/2011

The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I d


0 Comments, 14 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Pissing and Moaning   6/23/2011

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her always moaned right before the pho


0 Comments, 69 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Big Game Hunter   6/23/2011

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and none could dispute that. But then he said they could blindfold him and


0 Comments, 261 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Two Irishmen   6/23/2011

Two Irishmen after a long night at the pub were walking home. They decided to take a shortcut through the local grave yard.

As they were walking through they were reading the inscriptions on


0 Comments, 90 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Medical vs. Legal   6/23/2011

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Day at the Zoo   6/23/2011

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned h


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Politics   6/23/2011

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said,


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Math   6/23/2011

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and


0 Comments, 55 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
LIL' JOHNNY   6/23/2011

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed 4-year-old Little Johnny standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm g


0 Comments, 71 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Piece of Cake   6/23/2011

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later,


0 Comments, 298 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Masturbate   6/23/2011

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!


0 Comments, 76 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Christian Home   6/23/2011

On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad. His father noticed him crying and asked,

"What's wrong, little


0 Comments, 58 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Sex at Seven   6/23/2011

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking redheaded lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don'


0 Comments, 258 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Home on the Range   6/23/2011

Prior to her trip to Nebraska, Buffy (a blond New Yorker) confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Cornhusker State.

She wanted to taste some real Nebraska beef


0 Comments, 64 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Post Op. Exam   6/23/2011

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine, " he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to h


0 Comments, 71 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dandruff   6/23/2011

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked i


0 Comments, 49 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Condom Use   6/23/2011

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please, " says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blon


0 Comments, 114 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Two Friends   6/23/2011

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyf


0 Comments, 316 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Contractor   6/22/2011

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to get started. They stroll through the house and she points out the colours she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room,


0 Comments, 90 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Joys of Parenting "   6/22/2011

A Woman's Experience With

For those who already have past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have this age, this is not funny. For those who have nearing this age, this is a warni


0 Comments, 275 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"POOF ! "   6/22/2011

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a store.

The woman behind the counter looks them over and asks, "Do you girls want to see something?"

Confused they say yes.

The


0 Comments, 19 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Hubble Telescope Captures Galaxies Colliding !   6/22/2011

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxie


0 Comments, 16 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
LIL' Johnny   6/22/2011

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was


0 Comments, 64 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Jesus   6/22/2011

What was Jesus?

My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother." 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 arg


0 Comments, 23 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Government .Economics......(all chiefs and no indians)   6/22/2011

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a per


0 Comments, 17 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Once Upon a Time in the Desert   6/22/2011

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a per


0 Comments, 76 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Political Jokes   6/22/2011

Q: What's the one thing that Democrats and Republicans share in common?

A: Our money!

Q: What's the difference between the pope and the president??

A: You only have to get o


0 Comments, 20 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"PIG"   6/22/2011

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage



A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. A


0 Comments, 18 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Bigger Breasts   6/22/2011

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I compla


0 Comments, 214 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Where Have You Been?   6/22/2011

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well, " she says looking him up and down, "for the first half


0 Comments, 52 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Thinking Twice   6/22/2011

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night, " said one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Se


0 Comments, 16 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Women   6/22/2011

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like


0 Comments, 154 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Vacation   6/22/2011

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided t


0 Comments, 279 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Locker Room Talk   6/22/2011

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey,


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Four Women in a Locker Room   6/22/2011

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey,


0 Comments, 43 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Jane and Debbie   6/22/2011

Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat. Jane tells her, "When i have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie c


0 Comments, 101 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Water   6/22/2011

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in


0 Comments, 17 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Toons"   6/22/2011

Merrie Melodies or just gay 'toons?

Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up 's television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the"Teletubbies, " beca


0 Comments, 67 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Riddle Me This.....   6/21/2011

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's boob? A: Enough to make a bone 10 inches long!





Q: What did the bisexual German woman do?

A: She went down on her Hans and niece.


0 Comments, 57 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
just a few drinks....   6/21/2011

A man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Bi-Sexual Parade   6/21/2011



.



..

...

....



.....

Last year I watched a bisexual pride parade.

It was confusing though, because it went both ways.


0 Comments, 56 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
A Strange Rash   6/21/2011

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ’M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now that is the str


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Rough Day   6/21/2011

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says "had a tough day?"

The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the sa


0 Comments, 48 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"BUTTERCUP"   6/21/2011

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes


0 Comments, 67 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Strange Rash.......   6/21/2011

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread he


0 Comments, 58 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dear Heather   6/21/2011

Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and th


0 Comments, 80 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Like a Newborn   6/19/2011

Two elderly Wal-Mart were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.


0 Comments, 92 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Tech. Support   6/19/2011

My husband, Jeff, and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused


0 Comments, 84 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Arthritis   6/19/2011

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress a


0 Comments, 85 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Ole Bessie   6/19/2011

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me toni


0 Comments, 93 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Hearing Aid   6/19/2011

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel’s ear and says: “Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear


0 Comments, 62 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Funeral   6/19/2011

A funeral service is being held for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

0 Comments, 68 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
3 surgeons consulting   6/18/2011

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open


0 Comments, 61 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Then Go To Hell ! "   6/18/2011

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates


0 Comments, 87 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
18 inches long....   6/18/2011



.



.



.



.



.

What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

.



.



0 Comments, 79 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Organ Rejection   6/18/2011

A fellow goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor...

: "I'm worried about


0 Comments, 68 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
...............14   6/18/2011

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and


0 Comments, 52 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Just Like Jesus   6/1/2011

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.




0 Comments, 113 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lab Rats   6/1/2011

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and fi


0 Comments, 94 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
george   5/31/2011

''Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.'' —George Carlin


0 Comments, 23 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
politics   5/31/2011

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." —Mark Twain

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doub


0 Comments, 18 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
political quotes   5/31/2011

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." —Mark Twain

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doub


0 Comments, 85 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the date   5/30/2011

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is


0 Comments, 169 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
According to Aristotle   5/26/2011

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Time crumbles things; everything grows old under the power of Time and is forgotten through the laps


0 Comments, 5 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Hippocrates   5/26/2011

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager


0 Comments, 76 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Chris Columbus   5/26/2011

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all


0 Comments, 58 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Satan,Lucifer,and Bill Gates......   5/26/2011

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
We the Sheeple and the "ponz"...(happy daze)   5/26/2011

Q: How did Bernie Madoff get the idea for a ponzi scheme (where you use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.) A: Social Security!

Q: How do you get Bernie Madoff to plea


0 Comments, 42 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Satanic Messages on Microsoft !   5/26/2011

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.


0 Comments, 36 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Baptist Deacon   5/26/2011

A Baptist deacon notice the Pastor was agitated one Sunday morning so he asked what was wrong. Turned out some one had stolen the preacher's bicycle. So the deacon said preach the ten commandments and


0 Comments, 54 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Western Civilization   5/26/2011

I think it would be a good idea." -- Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought about Western civilization)

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the ro


0 Comments, 39 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi   5/26/2011

What did the yogi say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game? Make me one with everything! After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled. The

man


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dailai Llama   5/26/2011

The Dalai Llama has toothache so he makes an appointment to see his dentist.

When he gets there and enters the surgery he tells the Dentist that he wants no anaesthetic of any kind for his tr


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Blessed Bee.....   5/26/2011

If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich ?



What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? The Blessed Bee!



What's the difference between a New Ager and


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Every Now and Zen.......   5/26/2011

WHAT DID THE Buddhist say to the pizza chef? “Make me one with everything.”



A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to th


0 Comments, 20 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
":BOOM"   5/26/2011

An American, an Israeli, and a Palestinian are marooned on a desert island.

The American goes to one side of the island and builds a church.

The Israeli goes to the other side of the


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
a Paki at the ACLU   5/26/2011

A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find an


0 Comments, 37 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Arabic News.....   5/26/2011

A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading a Middle East Arabic newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed and angrily called out, "Moshe, have y


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Q and A jokes.....   5/26/2011

Q. What do you call a Muslim with a slice of ham on his head? A. Hamed.

Q. What about a Muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head? A. Mohammed .

Last week, a Muslim woman was seen shop


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Ralph and Jeff   5/26/2011

Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:

"Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what's your name?"

"I


0 Comments, 35 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Bishop Murphey of Provo....   5/26/2011

Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"

The man said, "I do bishop."

The Bishop said, "Then stand


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Entertaining with Jehovah Witnesses.....   5/26/2011

When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're no


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Pastor's Wife   5/26/2011

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rule


0 Comments, 78 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
A Nice Catholic Girl......   5/26/2011

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting withher young charges and she asked them what they wanted to bewhen they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a . "The Mother Superior


0 Comments, 61 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
A Nice Jewish Girl.......   5/26/2011

A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting


0 Comments, 71 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Rabbi ,Minister ,and Priest.........   5/26/2011

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heave


0 Comments, 34 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
an elderly jewish lady.........   5/26/2011

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1, 000 in the tzedukah box in the shul. This went on for weeks until the Rabbi, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Mrs. Ginzburg, I couldn't help but not


0 Comments, 52 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Three Holy Men and a Bear................   5/26/2011

A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.

After they are done the priest says, "I read to the


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Chief Rabbi and the Pope   5/26/2011

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontif


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Rabbi and Priest meet by accident ......   5/26/2011

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Golfing Minister   5/26/2011

A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn't feeling well and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles


0 Comments, 34 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Priest and a dying man.....   5/26/2011

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said n


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Pastor and the Fig Leaf   5/26/2011

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhe


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Golfing Priest   5/26/2011

There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round,


0 Comments, 30 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Pastor   5/26/2011

A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he knocked on the door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was on, so he took one of his cards


0 Comments, 34 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Evangelist and the Priest   5/26/2011

An evangelist and a pastor are out hunting, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a grizzly bear appears. They sprint back to their hut as fast as they can, with the bear in close pursuit. The evangelist get


0 Comments, 31 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Rabbi and the Priest.   5/26/2011

There was a Rabbi who went to the Catholic Priest at the church and asked "How do you get the money to make your church so beautiful?". Father said "We hear confessions; observe while I demonstrate".


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
...a priest ,a rabbi ,and a minister........   5/26/2011

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After


0 Comments, 36 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Politically Correct & Prescriptions for Women   3/14/2011

Politically CORRECT He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
<


0 Comments, 72 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Infidelity Discovered   3/14/2011

A man was having an affair with another woman and his wife found out about it, so she told him "If you don't end it now I'm gonna go downtown to the post office where you work and tell everyone I see


0 Comments, 443 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Sunday in Church.......   3/14/2011

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives


0 Comments, 130 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Female Training Seminar"s   3/14/2011

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five


0 Comments, 78 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Male Training Seminar's   3/14/2011

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for


0 Comments, 43 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Sex Change   3/14/2011

John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.

His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beaut


0 Comments, 67 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Garden of Eden   3/14/2011

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and


0 Comments, 274 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Adam and the Rib.....   3/14/2011

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will


0 Comments, 23 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Good News / Bad News   3/14/2011

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news, " The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling


0 Comments, 75 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Magic Frog   3/14/2011

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will


0 Comments, 240 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Female Hormones in Beer ?   3/14/2011

Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer


0 Comments, 31 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Pregnancy Q.& A.   3/14/2011

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most


0 Comments, 25 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Woman's four favorite animals.....   3/14/2011

Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals? A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.


0 Comments, 13 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Why Married Women are Heavier Than Single Women   3/14/2011

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


0 Comments, 49 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Day at the Beach   3/14/2011

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will gran


0 Comments, 67 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Best Surgeon in Texas   3/8/2011

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an acc


0 Comments, 45 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Valerie   3/8/2011

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see


0 Comments, 98 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Miracle Cure   3/8/2011

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Dr. Appointment   3/8/2011

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped h


0 Comments, 101 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Mardi Gras   3/7/2011

Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? A: Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!



Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras? A: Mardi Gras is


0 Comments, 44 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
My Wife and I Were Happy For Twenty Years.......   3/7/2011

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport

. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You k


0 Comments, 286 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Marriage Changes Passion.......   3/7/2011

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

. If your is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - y


0 Comments, 47 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Downside of Chasing Women...   3/7/2011

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.

.



Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, an


0 Comments, 28 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
A Cajun in Hell   3/7/2011

After he was dead, a Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went right to work shoveling brimstone. The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's h


0 Comments, 69 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Safe Sex Tips   3/7/2011

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential


0 Comments, 41 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the King   3/7/2011

The king was waving to his loyal subjects from the steps of the palace when he spotted a beggar in the crowd who looked, beneath the dirt and rags, amazingly like his royal self. He had a guard bring


0 Comments, 172 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Question   3/7/2011

Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object


0 Comments, 70 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Buy Her a Mink   3/7/2011

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought


0 Comments, 17 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Genie   3/7/2011

A female peace activist was exploring some caves by the beach when she stumbled upon a very old antique looking lamp bottle. The woman picked up the bottle and proceeded to rub some of the sand off of


0 Comments, 37 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dating.....a Woman's View   3/7/2011

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out


0 Comments, 19 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
A Womans View   3/7/2011

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.







If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and alwa


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Argument ....   3/7/2011

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlf


0 Comments, 39 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Woman Wanted ....   3/7/2011

A tall, well-built woman with good sense of humor, who can cook frog legs and who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious.

But please onl


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Break Up   3/7/2011

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him. "I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor, " Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
HMO's   3/7/2011

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient


0 Comments, 14 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Theology of Fat   3/7/2011

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald'


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
High Blood Pressure   3/7/2011

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

0 Comments, 41 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Jogging   3/7/2011

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Promoting Healthy Brain Cells   3/7/2011

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd


0 Comments, 8 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Why Speak English?   3/7/2011

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that incl


0 Comments, 51 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Cornbread   3/7/2011

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Military Communication   3/7/2011

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with


0 Comments, 31 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
GI Jones   3/7/2011

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman


0 Comments, 55 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
C-130   3/7/2011

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the sol


0 Comments, 59 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Navy Chief and His Parrot   3/7/2011

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Revei


0 Comments, 53 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lil Johnny Goes to Church   3/7/2011

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either


0 Comments, 77 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dear Ma and Pa   3/7/2011

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the


0 Comments, 46 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Army,Marines,Air Force........   3/7/2011

A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.

Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Pete


0 Comments, 50 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Blood Drive   3/7/2011

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.

After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm o


0 Comments, 23 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Joining the Army   3/7/2011

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laught


0 Comments, 39 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Anonymous Learnings of Life   3/7/2011

author unknown........



I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night". Age 5

I've learned that our doesn't want to eat my broccoli either


0 Comments, 13 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Understanding Love   3/7/2011

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times, " one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who


0 Comments, 47 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Punctuation !!!.....it CAN make a difference   3/7/2011

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Love   3/7/2011

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living


0 Comments, 37 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
If You Love Something,Set it Free.....   3/7/2011

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
John Smith   3/7/2011

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?


0 Comments, 41 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Free Tattoo   3/7/2011

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."




0 Comments, 202 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
it hapened one day........   3/7/2011

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do y


0 Comments, 54 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Rancher's Widow   3/7/2011

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an a


0 Comments, 74 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Three Types of Breasts   3/7/2011

A family is at the dinner table. The asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, , there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a wo


0 Comments, 409 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Just Try to be Strong   3/7/2011

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a cha


0 Comments, 225 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Off to Hawaii   3/7/2011

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had se


0 Comments, 144 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the King   3/7/2011

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important . Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the s


0 Comments, 44 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Tale of Two Sisters   3/7/2011

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Once Upon a Time   3/7/2011

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he t


0 Comments, 19 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
NBA news   2/25/2011

New Orleans Hornets guard Rasual Butler has been charged with flashing a loaded gun near a South Florida nightclub. Luckily no one was in danger due to Butler's complete inability to shoot.


0 Comments, 11 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
NFL news   2/25/2011

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves. The good news is the players got to keep the beads.


0 Comments, 19 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Box of Crabs   2/25/2011

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew


0 Comments, 88 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Mrs. Boudreaux   2/25/2011

One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof wi


0 Comments, 181 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
N'awlins Dahlin   2/25/2011

You know you are from Louisiana if...

* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.

* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"


0 Comments, 40 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
C'est la vie......   2/25/2011

When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and they look at you like you have three heads. ...The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass


0 Comments, 14 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
If You Like Your Rice as Dirty as Your Politics   2/25/2011

When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and they look at you like you have three heads. ...The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass


0 Comments, 11 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
YOU Might Be From LOUISIANA If.......   2/25/2011

When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and they look at you like you have three heads. ...The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
You Might Be Cajun If......   2/25/2011

you start an angel food cake with a roux.

watching the "wild kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.

you think a lobster is a crawfish on steriods.

you take a bite of 5-a


0 Comments, 22 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Goin to N'awlins   2/25/2011

These two Black guys were traveling through north Louisiana on their way from Chicago to Mardi Gras. This old hick sheriff sees them and pulls them over. The driver says, "Officer, what did I do?" The


0 Comments, 54 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Down in N'awlins   2/25/2011

You wake up in court with your pants on backwards.

You don't know how it happened but you're the Saints starting quarterback this weekend.

You wake up in a T-Shirt that reads "Jambal


0 Comments, 20 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Mardi Gras New Orleans   2/25/2011

Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? A: Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!

Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras? A: Mardi Gras is an all-n


0 Comments, 3 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Fat Tuesday   2/25/2011

Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? A: Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!

Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras? A: Mardi Gras is an all-n


0 Comments, 7 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
MARDI GRAS   2/25/2011

Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? A: Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!

Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras? A: Mardi Gras is an all-n


0 Comments, 12 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
ECONOMY AFFECTS MARDI GRAS !   2/25/2011

How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
MARDI GRAS in NEW ORLEANS   2/25/2011

How do you know you went to Mardi Gras? You wake up on a sidewalk and the only things in your pants pockets are your car keys and a court summons. You wake up and discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule


0 Comments, 26 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
FAT TUESDAY   2/25/2011

What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras? Mardi Gras is an all-night party in New Orleans, Fat Tuesday is who you wake up with the morning after!


0 Comments, 15 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Loan Officer   2/20/2011

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5, 000.

The bank


0 Comments, 45 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Doing Without   2/20/2011

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went


0 Comments, 46 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Cindy"   2/20/2011

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing,


0 Comments, 120 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Piss Pot Pete at the Blue Balls Bar   2/19/2011

Now gather round and I'll tell a story of old, When men were brave and women were bold. It all started a way out west, To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill f*cked everything that


0 Comments, 95 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Blue Balls Bar   2/19/2011

Now gather round and I'll tell a story of old, When men were brave and women were bold. It all started a way out west, To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill f*cked everything that


0 Comments, 16 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Strolling Through the Rolling Fields   2/18/2011

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well-known golf course. On the second afterno


0 Comments, 25 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
BEER :proof that god loves us.....   2/18/2011

1. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. 2. Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 3. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack o


0 Comments, 46 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Joys of Artfull Rejection.......   2/18/2011

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) In the department of "nice turn downs" there's this one: I'll have to think about that, thinking m


0 Comments, 81 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Winter Fishing Tips   2/18/2011

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a


0 Comments, 39 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Taking a Walk   2/18/2011

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and Everybody complimented him on how athletic and well- preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success, " he cackled. "My wife an


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Do You Know How to Have Sex?"   2/18/2011

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and ask


0 Comments, 388 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
New Skills   2/18/2011

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. "Mom, " she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and


0 Comments, 143 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Dietician   2/18/2011

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be di


0 Comments, 26 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
when best friends part......   2/18/2011

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jer


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
In Central Park   2/18/2011

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies


0 Comments, 60 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Sweet Tooth   2/18/2011

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was


0 Comments, 9 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Diaphram   2/18/2011

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything sh


0 Comments, 49 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Burn Patient   2/18/2011

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He


0 Comments, 43 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the key   2/18/2011

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in


0 Comments, 35 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Abstinance   2/18/2011

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went


0 Comments, 172 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Pest Control Inspection   2/18/2011

A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

0 Comments, 86 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Heaven "   2/18/2011

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they


0 Comments, 23 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Sexual Desire Enhancement   2/18/2011

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have yo


0 Comments, 180 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
at Church the Other Day.......   2/18/2011

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and


0 Comments, 88 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
when use of the "F" word is appropriate   2/18/2011

Ten times in history when using the “F” word was appropriate: 10. 'What the *&%# was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945 9. 'Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877 8


0 Comments, 37 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Wise Man Says.....   2/18/2011

A wise man once said that there are four keys to ultimate happiness. 1) You must find a woman that likes to cook and clean. 2) You must find a woman that likes to have lots and lots of sex. 3) You mus


0 Comments, 195 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
One Liner's   2/18/2011

Q. What is the last thing you want to hear in a GAY bar? A. May I push your stool in?

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q. But do you kn


0 Comments, 71 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
California Legislature   2/17/2011

A bill is being introduced into the California Legislature.

the bill proposes making it legal to shoot street mimes.

Of course, you would have to use a silencer......




0 Comments, 43 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
THE UGLY FROG   2/17/2011

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to c


0 Comments, 13 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Fear of What Goes Bump in the Night......   2/17/2011

EVER SINCE I WAS A , I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems.







Every time I go to bed I think


0 Comments, 63 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
His and Her Diary   2/17/2011

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at


0 Comments, 179 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Biker and the Lion   2/17/2011

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her insi


0 Comments, 40 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
GOD IS BUSY   2/17/2011

God is busy right now





If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!

A United States Marine was taking some college courses

between assignments. He


0 Comments, 58 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Truth About Socialism........   2/16/2011

An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had failed very few students but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one


0 Comments, 78 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
reincarnation   2/16/2011

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell


0 Comments, 151 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
URGENT ! ! ! URGENT MEDICAL ALERT !   2/16/2011

The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreationa


0 Comments, 52 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Fishing Trip   2/16/2011

Age Vs Wisdom Views: 91, 414 12345(16 A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around an


0 Comments, 20 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Tale of a Blowjob   2/16/2011

A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel. M: ''Oh shit!'' F: ''What is it?'' M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Great Eyesight   2/16/2011

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it, " he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has be


0 Comments, 30 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
MEN .....BEWARE ! ! !   2/16/2011

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A drug on the market called "beer"


0 Comments, 78 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Too Stupid To Own a Computer"....they walk among us...   2/14/2011

these were forwarded to me ....ENJOY ! Actual call center conversations!


0 Comments, 83 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Valentine's Day........smile   2/14/2011

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot


0 Comments, 14 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Valentine's Day Cards   2/14/2011

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes ou


0 Comments, 68 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
she only cheated 3 times in 50 years.....   2/14/2011

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a questio


0 Comments, 64 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Portrait   2/14/2011

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and


0 Comments, 122 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Truth Shall Set You Free   2/14/2011

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared t


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Truth in Politics.....a Farmer's Wisdom   2/14/2011

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to inv


0 Comments, 55 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
at the monastery   2/14/2011

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors, " he s


0 Comments, 35 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
New Car Shopping......   2/14/2011

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an


0 Comments, 52 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Consultation   2/14/2011

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, an


0 Comments, 42 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Diplomacy.....its how you phrase it.   2/14/2011

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"


0 Comments, 15 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
At the Office   2/14/2011

One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisors office, and declares shes filing a sexual harassment suit.

Come on,  says t


0 Comments, 43 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Deepest Condolences"   2/13/2011

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her knew


0 Comments, 95 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Olympic Condoms   2/13/2011

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

Olympic condoms?, she


0 Comments, 75 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Physicians Code of Ethics   2/13/2011

A woman visiting her doctors office suddenly blurts out, Doctor, kiss me! The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.

About 20 minutes later the


0 Comments, 42 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Medical Ethics.....   2/13/2011

A woman visiting her doctors office suddenly blurts out, Doctor, kiss me! The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.

About 20 minutes later the


0 Comments, 87 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the ex girlfriend   2/13/2011

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night, " he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks. <


0 Comments, 51 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Honest Abe   2/13/2011

A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits down at a bar and orders a drink.

Going to a party? the bartender asks.

Yeah,  the man replies, Im supposed to g


0 Comments, 74 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lil Johnny   2/13/2011

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what thi


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
How Many Perverts Does it Take.....   2/13/2011

.....................................................................................................................How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the e


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
a priest and his cock   2/13/2011

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock w


0 Comments, 72 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
it happened in church   2/13/2011

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock w


0 Comments, 57 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
"Destiny"   2/6/2011

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the wom


0 Comments, 77 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
NOT the Charmin Commercial.....   2/6/2011

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs


0 Comments, 47 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Summer on the Farm   2/6/2011

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, ", since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for


0 Comments, 82 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Secret   2/6/2011

A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your pe


0 Comments, 87 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Farmer and His Wife   2/6/2011

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you cou


0 Comments, 220 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lost in the Desert   2/6/2011

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He


0 Comments, 55 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the dr appointment   2/6/2011

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Do


0 Comments, 76 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
nickel and dime.....   1/27/2011

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a l


0 Comments, 33 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
All About How You Present Yourself.....   1/27/2011

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wan


0 Comments, 216 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Mans Best Friend   1/27/2011

the truth about mans best friend....



here it is....



.

.

.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.








0 Comments, 147 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Gay Parents   1/27/2011

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, el


0 Comments, 86 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Jonah and the Whale   1/27/2011

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is ve


0 Comments, 68 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Academic Motivation   1/27/2011

A mom and dad were worried about their not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

After the first day of school, their comes racing


0 Comments, 35 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Little Johnny   1/27/2011

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That


0 Comments, 64 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lost With Grandpa   1/27/2011

A small boy was lost at the Mall of America. The six-year-old approached a uniformed policeman and tearfully told him, "I've lost my grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy thought f


0 Comments, 117 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lil Johnny   1/27/2011

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the


0 Comments, 71 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Where is God?   1/27/2011

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred


0 Comments, 38 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Dad's Job   1/27/2011

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Littl


0 Comments, 75 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the Bus Ride   1/27/2011

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman


0 Comments, 140 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Italian on Vacation in America   1/27/2011

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go


0 Comments, 44 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Football in Texas   1/27/2011

On Thanksgiving Day the two top Texas teams were playing a major football game against each other. It was a big game for both the Aggies and the University of Texas but neither side seemed to be able


0 Comments, 12 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the in-laws   1/25/2011

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a ba


0 Comments, 172 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
all in the technique   1/25/2011

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife, " the first complained. "I turn off the cars engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak u


0 Comments, 404 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the birds and the bees   1/25/2011

A father asks his 10-year-old if he knows the truth about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asks wha


0 Comments, 73 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the old rooster   1/25/2011

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.'

The old rooster replies,


0 Comments, 40 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
one of my favorites....   1/25/2011

the poodle and the leopard



.

. A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing


0 Comments, 66 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
......its all about how you present yourself .....   1/25/2011

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wan


0 Comments, 19 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the hunting trip   1/25/2011

A hunter is sitting in a tree overlooking a clearing when a bear walks right out into the middle. The hunter takes aim and fires, the bear goes down. He leaps from his perch, rushes down the trail and


0 Comments, 28 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
no trespassing   1/25/2011

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nea


0 Comments, 42 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the dead rabbit   1/25/2011

This guy comes home from work one day to find his with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him foreve


0 Comments, 27 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the truth about mans best friend   1/25/2011



.

.

.

. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, wh


0 Comments, 59 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Ten Times Its Normal Size ! ! !   1/24/2011

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You


0 Comments, 100 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Lil Johnny   1/24/2011

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

L


0 Comments, 47 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
The Snow Plow   1/24/2011

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of


0 Comments, 29 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
the A B C 's of X Girlfriends......   1/24/2011

this was forwarded to me.....



A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money


0 Comments, 32 Views, 0 Votes
josmith5 61 M
1466  Articles
Priming the Bull   1/24/2011

A farmer gets a drought cheque and he decides to use it to buy a Bull to rebuild his heard after slowly watching it die off or be sold off after years of dry weather and bad returns. Off he goes to th


0 Comments, 72 Views, 0 Votes