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MARRIAGE 2/8/2014
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up, ' she purred, 'and you can do anything
you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.
0 Comments, 36 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Quick one liner 2/7/2014
What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip
0 Comments, 27 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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word pun 2/4/2014
there was a popular cigarette brand CAPSTAN
that contained a sexy question
"Can A Prick Strike Thrice A Night? "
the answer to the question was in the same alphabets
"Not All, Though Some Pricks Are Capable"
0 Comments, 45 Views,
7 Votes
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Nightingale 2/4/2014
Have you heard about the nightingale that did it for a lark?
0 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
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what a woman wants from her man!! 2/2/2014
a wants a man that owns a yacht, multiple mansions, multiple
cars, private jet etc.....
in her twenties...she want a man that owns a business, professional
athlete, owns a mansion....etc
in her thirties...she wants any man that have a job....
in her forties....she just want a man, any man.he could
be unemployed and he will be fine.(she can take care of him
financially) ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score
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DEER HUNTERS 1/31/2014
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts
her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank’s
friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they
do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find
Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and dinner cooking on the ...
0 Comments, 194 Views,
15 Votes
,4.82 Score
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GOLFING???? 1/31/2014
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period
of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've
been thinking, now that we are married I think it's
time you quit golfing . Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified ...
1 Comments, 173 Views,
11 Votes
,3.35 Score
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ONE LINERS 1/31/2014
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely
banging my snooze button in the morning.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture
and they hand you the camera.
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices..... you’re
one of them.
Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer
to feel the wind on their vaginas.
Whenever I fill out ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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LOGIC 1/30/2014
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar drinking
a beer. Jim turns to Bob and says,
"You know, I'm tired of going through life without
an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community
college and sign up for some classes."
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets with
the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic
classes: Math, ...
0 Comments, 150 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
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LONG TERM COMMITMENT 1/30/2014
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
0 Comments, 63 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score
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GOOD USE.... 1/30/2014
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked
at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small
running around at her feet. “I’m doing some
research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, ” he said, “what
do you use it for?” “We use it ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
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1/30/2014
I was with a once.
She said I will do anything that your wife or girlfriend
will not do.
Bless her heart, she sowed a button on my shirt.
0 Comments, 52 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
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MONEY PROBLEMS 1/30/2014
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
decide she'll become a .
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand
in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around
the corner."
She's there for five minutes when a guy pulls up and
says, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars."
...
0 Comments, 144 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score
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BREAKING NEWS 1/29/2014
An Irish farmer has sucessfuly grown a field full of dildos.
Now he has problems with squatters.
0 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
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HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION 1/26/2014
1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self- help section?" She said if ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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NEW BULL 1/26/2014
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was
going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect
raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here
5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which
100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this
newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ ...
2 Comments, 152 Views,
12 Votes
,4.39 Score
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SOME QUICKIES 1/26/2014
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face'
didn't mean what I thought it did.
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato
pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not
eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'
I had a Trivia ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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DIAPERS 1/26/2014
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why
baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies, "
and "Pampers', while undergarments for old
people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,1.37 Score
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The Pager 1/23/2014
After a horrible storm my best friend loaned me his dump
truck so my sons, 12 and 8 could help me haul away a huge tree
that had been uprooted in our back yard.
The boys were quite impressed with the warning bell which
came on once the truck was shifted into reverse and commented
on it repeatedly.
The following day my two young sons and I were standing in
line at the grocery ...
4 Comments, 249 Views,
18 Votes
,5.85 Score
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REALLY EXCITED 1/21/2014
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over
the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well, " replies Paul, "you know that
beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes, "
replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well, " says Paul, straightening up, "I
finally got the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." ...
1 Comments, 185 Views,
16 Votes
,3.72 Score
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THE DELIVERY ROOM 1/21/2014
A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband
or boyfriend is present.
The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says
I must warn you your baby is black. The woman says "Well
I was in desperate need for money and there was a porno and
the guy was black." The nurse quickly apologizes
and says it was none of my business. The woman didn't
seem to mind. ...
0 Comments, 157 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
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ARTHUR GUINNESS 1/21/2014
There's a big conference of beer producers.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies
decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the
president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph
Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to
drink, and much to everybody's ...
2 Comments, 147 Views,
12 Votes
,4.04 Score
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GERMAN TOURIST 1/21/2014
A senior citizen from Germany arrives at the Warsaw airport.
He presents his passport to the Polish immigration officer
who looks it over and asks, "Occupation?"
And the German somewhat confused answers, "No, just
visiting this time."
0 Comments, 78 Views,
10 Votes
,2.79 Score
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Bananas are better than MEN because 1/16/2014
You don’t mind swallowing a banana. Bananas are always
stiff. Bananas don’t know how to fart. A banana’s only
purpose is to satisfy you. No one cares if you have two Bananas
in bed with you at the same time. Another woman will never
try to steal your Banana. Bananas can last the whole night
through. Even the smallest Bananas are at least eight inches
long. Can not take credit for this, it ...
4 Comments, 110 Views,
17 Votes
,3.27 Score
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Blonds 1/15/2014
What do you call a blond with a dollar bill on her forehead??
All you can eat for under a buck
0 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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The brain is the largest sex organ... 1/13/2014
...unless you have a massive hemorrhoid and like it up the
ass!
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
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It is so cold..... 1/12/2014
It is so cold.....
I do not have to open my mail, it just shatters when I take
it out of the mailbox.
I am considering grilling the groundhog if it predicts
six more weeks of winter.
0 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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Dildo and cocks!! 1/10/2014
This story is not worthy of the advice line, but some may
find it funny.. It reminded me as the last few days on the
advice line has been about cocks and dildos..It reminded
me of a situation my girlfreind told me about...Her husband
and her were getting ready for work, there 5 yr old went
in the parents bedroom while daddy was getting coffee and
mummy was in the bathroom..Well he todled into ...
2 Comments, 242 Views,
14 Votes
,3.14 Score
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GREAT SERVICE 1/8/2014
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his
elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled
out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency
Expert visited our ...
0 Comments, 170 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck 1/8/2014
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they
could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk, " she
suggested.
So Donald went ...
1 Comments, 191 Views,
13 Votes
,3.81 Score
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SOME THINGS SHOUD BE THOUGHT OUT BETTER 1/4/2014
Some guy just knocked on my door, selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I said, “Fuck that –
knowing my luck, I’d win one!” A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed
all of his beer and had screwed his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t
believe they fucked my wife after only five ...
0 Comments, 170 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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ORGASMS 1/4/2014
When I was with my first wife, every time she had an orgasm, she used to punch me in the face. At first, I didn`t mind until I found out she was faking the
orgasms. ...
1 Comments, 88 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
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THE GRAVEYARD 1/3/2014
The graveside service just barely finished, when there
was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling
in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.' ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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THE COFFIN 1/3/2014
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…when
behind him he hears: Bump… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes
out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… ...
0 Comments, 156 Views,
6 Votes
,1.37 Score
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11 MINUTES 1/3/2014
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the
main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers'
lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then
he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing
her ...
2 Comments, 227 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
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HIS WATCH 1/3/2014
A forest ranger on patrol happens upon an Indian just
standing still and staring down at his exposed erection.
When the ranger asks what the hell he's doing, he says
he's checking the time.
Huh? the ranger says? Works like a clock the Indian says.
"Oh yeah, what time is it?" the ranger asks.
Indian looks down and says, 3:07pm!" the ranger checks
his watch and sees the Indian ...
0 Comments, 173 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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A BAD DREAM 1/3/2014
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's
Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided
to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me
a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you
think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight, ' answered Max
smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached
Jemima and handed her ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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Tennessee invention 1/1/2014
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee?
Yes, it was, and if it would have been invented anywhere
else, it would have been named the "teethbrush".
0 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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NEW YEARS IS A COMIN 12/31/2013
For New Year's try this, at just a few seconds short
of the stroke of midnight raise your left foot just off the
floor...waiting till after midnight.
That way you can say you brought in the New Year on the right
foot... ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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OLD FARMER 12/31/2013
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-old farmer,
in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that
he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was
true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the
age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one ...
0 Comments, 193 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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END OF THE YEAR THOUGHT 12/31/2013
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them. ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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VIAGRA 12/31/2013
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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NEW DRUGS 12/31/2013
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic
name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called
Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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ELEVATOR 12/31/2013
Today I was beaten up by this woman.
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs when she said,
˜Would you please press 1
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
Recovery time 4 - 6 weeks.
...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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NATIVITY SCENE 12/26/2013
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this
year !
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply
have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the
Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL 12/25/2013
Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real
worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end
of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown
in football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What!
How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father
gets home!'
Little DJ goes to his ...
1 Comments, 202 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
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WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS????? 12/25/2013
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was
getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to
do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you
should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he
cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog
poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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FEMALE REINDEER 12/25/2013
What do all the female reindeer do when Santa is busy
working with the males on Christmas eve?
Go into town and blow a couple bucks!
...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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JEWISH PUSSY CATS 12/21/2013
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing
on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good
shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near
hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with
him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you, " he ...
1 Comments, 212 Views,
11 Votes
,3.54 Score
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AN IRISH FAMILY TRADITION 12/21/2013
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family
tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather
had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the
lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he
and his pal Mick, took a ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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THIS HER???? 12/21/2013
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was
found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy
said: "I don't think that's her, she wasn't
that tall!" ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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SWITCH PARTNERS 12/21/2013
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says: "I wonder
how the girls are getting on". ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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THE PROFESSIONAL BARTENDER 12/18/2013
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's
boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the
beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third ...
0 Comments, 191 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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YOUNG PRIEST 12/18/2013
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said,
''You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm.
The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,
''And you told me adding a little more beat to the
music would bring young people back to church, so I ...
0 Comments, 159 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
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Tennessee 12/17/2013
How do guys in Tennessee know their sister is dead? The sex
is the same, but the dishes and laundry doesn't get
done.
0 Comments, 28 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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ON A PLANE 12/14/2013
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next
to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat
next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the and asked
why the was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs
Enforcement Agency and that the was a ...
0 Comments, 178 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
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SWINGERS PARTY 12/13/2013
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers party
last night.
I was fucking a right beautiful girl from behind when I looked
up and realized that the guy at the other end of the spitroast,
getting a blow job, was my dad.
I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe
you are being unfaithful to mom." He said "I'm not." ...
0 Comments, 186 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
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KEYHOLE TALK 12/13/2013
One evening John and his friend Tom were sitting in the
bar getting drunk.
Tom turns to John and asks, do you remember those girls that
we were talking to earlier? do you suppose those girls would
make out with us?"
John says, "Dunno, but I'm drunk enough. Let's
go and ask them!"
So off they go to the apartment where the girls lived. John
stumbles up the steps and ...
0 Comments, 164 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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SMART WIFE 12/13/2013
A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend,
and things were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs.
"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to
do?
The woman says "Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's
probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with
me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the ...
0 Comments, 193 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
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VIRGINITY TEST 12/13/2013
Little Johnny grew up and was getting married. He asked
his friend. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?
He was told to get himself an Irish Virginity test kit.
Little Johnny asked what that was.
His friend told him to "Get a Can of Red Paint, a can
of Blue Paint and a Shovel."
Little Johnny: how on earth does that work?
His friend answered: ...
0 Comments, 202 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
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WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!! 12/13/2013
A farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This
is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating, '
said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' ...
0 Comments, 178 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
|
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LETTERS TOO SANTA 12/13/2013
Dear Santa,
How are you?
How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of
Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
*
*
Dear Timmy,
...
0 Comments, 155 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
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waiting for his mother 12/13/2013
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, ", can you tell me where the Post Office
is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down
this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm
the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to ...
1 Comments, 166 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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ANOTHER PICKUP LINE ONLY BETTER 12/12/2013
Women in a bar says to the guy, gee you smell great what do
you have on?
He says, A Hard On but I didn't realize you could smell
it......
0 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
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PICABOO STREET????? 12/6/2013
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street?
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted
to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, I.C.U....
0 Comments, 70 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
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3 KICK RULE 12/6/2013
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going to ...
0 Comments, 183 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
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RESPECT 12/6/2013
'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'
- Respect where it's due...
- That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!
TOO EARLY????? LOL
0 Comments, 51 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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JUDAISM TO CATHOLICISM 12/4/2013
So Abe and Yossi, two nice Jewish guys are walking down the
avenue. They pass a church and see a big sign reading "-
RECEIVE $20 for Converting"
"Hey Abe, I'm going to do it"
"What, are you crazy Yossi?"
"No really, check it out Abe..."
And with that Yossi walks into the church. So Abe's
waiting for him for about 20 minutes when Yossi finally
comes out, ...
0 Comments, 148 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
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ALICE KAPIPLIN 12/4/2013
Three nuns die in a plane crash and meet St Peter at the pearly
gates. Peter say "Ladies you have led such exemplary
lives that we've decided to let you go back and live
any other life you might have wanted and you'll still
be welcome afterwards."
The first nun say "Oh St Peter, I've always wanted
to be Mother Teresa" Peter says " That's
very noble of you" and poof she's gone to ...
0 Comments, 148 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
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THE DOCTOR & THE HONEYBEE 12/4/2013
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me,
there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and
explained the situation. The doctor thought ...
0 Comments, 152 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
PAUL WALKER'S LAST ROLE 12/4/2013
Saturday, Paul Walker completed the last installment
in the Fast and Furious series.
He was a co-star in the production of Too Fast, Too Flammable.
Seems Paul Walker went from Fast and Furious to Gone In 60
Seconds.
To Soon? LOL.......
2 Comments, 48 Views,
7 Votes
,0.24 Score
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THREE MEN 12/4/2013
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season, " Saint Peter
said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD 12/4/2013
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
before last. Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important ...
1 Comments, 196 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score
|
|
Reduced gun crime 12/4/2013
* In 1863 a Democrat shot and killed Abraham Lincoln, President
of the United States. * In 1964 a communist-turned Democrat killed John F. Kennedy
* In 1983 a registered Democrat shot and wounded Ronald
Reagan. * In 2007 a registered Democrat named Seung-Hui Cho shot
and killed 32 people in Virginia Tech. * In 2010 a mentally ill registered Democrat named Jared
Lee Loughner shot Rep. Gabrielle ...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
|
|
PEPPERMINT 12/4/2013
I recently spent $6, 500 on a young registered Black Angus
bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think
I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I
had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was
very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave
me some pills to feed him once per day. ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
The urologist is a very pretty female doctor 12/3/2013
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent
to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your
prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different
from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your
right side, bend your knees, then while I ...
0 Comments, 192 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
Panda bear 12/2/2013
A panda bear, lonely due to it's reduced numbers, wanders
out of the forest and makes his way into the city t find some
company. He walks into a shop where he asks the storekeeper
"I'm new here and am lonely. Where do lonely people
go for company?" The storekeeper says, well if you want to meet people, then
you can go to a coffee shop or a bar or a club, but if you're
really really lonely, then ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
BILLY BOB 12/2/2013
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Lester,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to
go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Marie got pregnant.
Then two ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
Cream Puff 12/1/2013
What do you call a woman that dose three men at the same time?
A Cream Puff  ...
2 Comments, 49 Views,
8 Votes
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|
THE PARACHUTIST 11/30/2013
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went Through the standard training, completed the practice
jumps from higher And higher structures, and finally went
to take his first jump from an Airplane.
The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well,
let me tell you what happened, " the said. ...
1 Comments, 138 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
|
|
CONFUCIUS SAY 11/30/2013
1. Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to
undoing of fly.
2: Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
4. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
5. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
6. Gay Indian is also a brave sucker....
2 Comments, 80 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
CASUALTIES OF WAR 11/30/2013
Bob walks into a tavern back in 2003 and is surprised to find
George Bush and Dick Cheney at the bar discussing plans
to invade Iraq.
He asks them what is going on. Bush says "We're
gonna bomb the piss out of Iraq! I figure we'll kill
maybe half a million Iraqis and a blond with big tits."
Bob asks "so why are you gonna kill a blond with big
tits?"
...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
MAN ON A BUS 11/30/2013
A man was travelling on a crowded bus.
A young lady was standing in front of him. After a while the
man said, "Wow, what a big butt!"
Then the girl turned back and slapped him in the face. While
she was turned back however, the man said again,
"Wow, what small boobs!"
The girl turned back again and slapped him one more time.
After a while the ...
1 Comments, 151 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
TWO PRESIDENTS 11/30/2013
President Obama walks in to a barber shop to get his hair
cut, Soon after George Bush walks in to get his hair cut.
The barbers set to work cutting their hair not talking because
they didn't want to start a political debate.
When the barber finished with President Obama's hair
he asked "would you like some cologne?" Obama
said "no thank you Michelle will ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
|
NO MORE HEADACHES 11/30/2013
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What
happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
IMMUNE TO COLD 11/30/2013
ONLY 3 LIVING BEINGS ARE IMMUNE TO COLD:
1. POLAR BEARS
2. PENGUINS
3. FEMALES WEARING SLEEVELESS IN MARRIAGES 
AND REST OF ALL FEELS COLD.......
HEEEEE..............HEEEEEE.......HEEEEEEEE....
0 Comments, 45 Views,
5 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
BIKER STORY 11/27/2013
A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the
strange development on the inside of her thighs… A green
spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they
won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”
The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem,
and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days ...
1 Comments, 174 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
EXAM TIME 11/27/2013
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow`s
final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a
death in the student`s immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What
about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
A BLONDE IN CHURCH 11/27/2013
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
“Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that
I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family.” ...
2 Comments, 147 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
24 INCHES 11/27/2013
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special
about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises
24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied
around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a
while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
usband and wife and their two sons are watching TV 11/27/2013
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She
looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message
and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're
going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs
and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks
in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
"is this the FBI?" 11/27/2013
Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy
Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The
next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
ritish sailor is in a bar 11/27/2013
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets
a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her
pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's
that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth.
It's got a moustache... It's ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
barber shop 11/27/2013
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's
chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight
edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine
his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I
should go and spend some time in a hotel room." ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
drug store to buy condoms 11/27/2013
guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind
the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's
it."
She puts the two fingers in her ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
trucker goes into a whorehouse 11/27/2013
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five
hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman
and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For
that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls
and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm
not horny, I'm homesick."
0 Comments, 27 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
doctors office 11/27/2013
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around
his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?"
asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife
and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a
cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in
a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and
that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked
puzzled and ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
"Two Lips and Seven Kisses." 11/27/2013
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information
after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the
record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up
a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said,
"No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
3 kings 11/27/2013
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great
kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's
lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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|
GOLFING 11/27/2013
A Priest and a nun go golfing one day.
The Priest tees up his ball, swings, and misses it completely.
"Oh shit, I missed", he says
The nun looked at him sharply.
He addresses his ball again, swings and misses it again.
'Oh shit, I missed again", he says.
The nun says: "Father, you really shouldn't
use that kind of language."
"I know, ...
1 Comments, 132 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
The Veterinarian 11/26/2013
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1, 000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope
on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome
by curiosity, approached her. ...
0 Comments, 142 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Hitting into the buttercups 11/25/2013
A golfer hooks his tee shot on the fifth hole and it lands
right in the middle of a backyard flowerbed. Not wanting
to take a penalty stroke, he decides to hit out of the flowers.
Just as he's about to take his swing, a voluptuous lady
in a sheer negligee comes running out of the house.
"Mister, please don't. You'll destroy
my buttercups! If you move your ball I'll give you ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Mad Wife 11/24/2013
Wife comes late at night & quietly opens the door to
her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a Baseball bat & starts hitting the
blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to drink water.
As she enters, she sees her husband there reading a magazine..
Husband says..”Hi Darling ...
0 Comments, 144 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
Little Johnny 11/24/2013
Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing “Name
That Animal.” The teacher held up a picture of a cat and
asked, “What Animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Suzy.
“Good job. Now, what’s this Animal?”
“A dog!” said Ricky.
“Good. Now what Animal is this?” she asked, holding
up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Marriage Counselor 11/24/2013
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire
laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course
of their marriage. ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Dam Fish 11/24/2013
A boy was selling fish shouting “dam fish, come buy dam
fish”.
A preacher happened to be passing by when he heard the boy.
He asked the boy, ‘why call them dam fish?’
Boy: because I caught them in a dam”.
The preacher bought one and took it home.
He told his wife, “cook this dam fish”.
The wife was surprised and told him, “You know we ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
A Funeral 11/24/2013
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally
bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another
funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers
carry out the casket.
As ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Hair Cut 11/24/2013
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s
chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever
seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room.”
She ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Laundry 11/24/2013
Young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, The young
woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She
doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs
better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Cheating 11/24/2013
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and
afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone
rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation…
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) ‘Hello? Oh, hi. I’m
so ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Having a Baby 11/24/2013
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their
wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy
and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of
twins.”
“That’s odd, ” answers the man. “I work for the
Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re
the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird, ” answers ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Good News, or Bad News 11/24/2013
Wife to Husband (on the Phone): “Hey baby, what you doing???”
.
. Husband: “Listen, I am really busy! Don’t have time
to talk at all.”
.
. Wife: “Well baby, I have a Good news and Bad news for you.
You want to hear them?” …
.
. Husband: “Just tell me the Good news, I don’t have time
for the Bad!”
.
. ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
More Tennessee hillbilly jokes 11/23/2013
Tennessee Hillbilly to Doc: I need to git some of them thar
birth control pills fer my .
Doc: Is she sexually active?
Tennessee Hillbilly: Naw...she jes lays thar like like
her maw!
0 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
Another Tennesse hilly story 11/23/2013
A hillbilly from Tennesse wearing a red shirt walked twelve
miles, one way, to the general store.
'Heya, there, ' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell
me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing
stones and flint together?'
'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?'
'Got something to show you. Something to make fire.
It's called a "match".
...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
FUNERAL STORY 11/22/2013
A famous heart specialist died and everyone was gathered
at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front
of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone
said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin
rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment
one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
PAINLESS LABOR 11/22/2013
A lady and her husband, who went to the hospital to give birth
to their , heard of a new technology from the doctor,
which would transfer the labor pain from the mother to the
father.
The couple were both excited and very much in favor of it.
The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer
only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would
be too much for ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
THREE ADDICTS 11/22/2013
There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic
they all went to hell for their sins and was standing in front
of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a
room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get
over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the
living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
ACCIDENT 11/22/2013
Saturday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the
hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat,
wires monitoring every function & all around my head,
hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering
over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
here's a one for ya! 11/21/2013
How many Sisters Of The Immacculate Conception, does it
take to change a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
. Nun!!!
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
Tennessee hillbillies 11/21/2013
Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch Tennesse
Hillbillies committing serious crime?
Could it be their back-woods cunning? No.
Is it because they are all law-abiding? I seriously doubt
that.
The reason they are never caught is that Hillbillies all
share the same DNA, and they have no dental records!
0 Comments, 50 Views,
7 Votes
,1.51 Score
|
|
lady goes to the bar 11/21/2013
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise
to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
The Robot 11/21/2013
A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when
they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his what he did that afternoon.
The says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the .
The says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house
watching movies."
Dad asks, What movie did you watch?"
says, "Toy Story." ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
|
|
RUSSIAN GENIE 11/19/2013
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks
a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle
comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like
drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I
wish to drink vodka whenever I ...
0 Comments, 113 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
DRACULA 11/19/2013
Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there
is anything he can do for him.
Dracula says, "Yes, there is, " and lunges
for the boy's throat. After draining the blood from
him, Dracula throws the bellhop's lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on
a policeman stationed in front of the hotel. The impact ...
1 Comments, 89 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
SUPERMAN 11/19/2013
Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes
being held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late; his
clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight.
As he approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells,
"Hey, Man of Steel, what happened to you?"
"Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but I was zipping
along the coastline, making great time, ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
TATTOO'S 11/19/2013
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford
on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman
on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking
at my pussy."
"No problem, " says the artist. "Strip
from the ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
BJ & SINGING 11/19/2013
A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him
a proposition
"For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national
anthem at the same time.
" The man figures he can get some head and actually
get paid for it, so he obliges.
The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and
sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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ONE LINERS 11/19/2013
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can
moan with the other.
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!"
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury
dough boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
What do you call a redneck ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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SITTING ON THE TOILET 11/18/2013
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS
MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN
TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET
READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS
THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "JOSHUA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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You gotta love a good nurse 11/18/2013
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might
be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET 11/17/2013
A lover, whose was a female and "in heat',
agreed to look after her neighbor's male while
the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the
two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found
the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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THE SCOTSMAN 11/17/2013
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on
it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge
willy and smashed all three walnuts with three ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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A FEW QUICK ONES 11/17/2013
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive
girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so
hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not
necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face'
didn't mean what ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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IN A BAR 11/17/2013
A guy walks into a bar with his and says,
"I'll have a Scotch and water and my would
like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals
in here." The replies, "Hey, I'm tired
of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist
with the old talking trick.
Both ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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MARRIAGE AT A YOUNG AGE 11/17/2013
Little Ralphy and Claudia are only 10 years old, but they
know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ralphy
goes to Claudia's father to ask him for her hand.
Ralphy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith,
me and Claudia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage."
Thinking that this was just ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Senior Love....... 11/17/2013
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite
up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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husbands' marriage seminars 11/17/2013
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore , they
have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who
said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella,
I'va ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Norman 11/17/2013
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and
heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and
some hot sex.
He engages a lovely and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor,
you're doing about three ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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One more time 11/17/2013
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Blonde Men 11/17/2013
It had to happen sooner or later.......................Blonde
Men!
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday
this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's
not the 13th." ----------------------------------- Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
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Power outage 11/17/2013
Power outage
We had a power outage last night and my PC, iPod, iPhone,
TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk
to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
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Tennessee Hillbilly sex quiz 11/16/2013
This is the official Tennessee Hillbilly sex quiz.
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer
that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T
or F as appropriate.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. T F
4. Vagina is a ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Delicacy 11/16/2013
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed
a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are bulls testicles ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
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Mountain men 11/15/2013
There was a man who had spent all of his life in the big city
living on the safer side of things; straight A's in
school, went immediately to college, then into an office
job in a tiny cubicle for fifty hours a week at low pay. He
didn't go to bars, didn't date, didn't have
time to exercise, or enjoy the good things in life. He reached
his forties as a man who was balding, out of shape, and ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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HEAR THIS 11/12/2013
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and
brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we
sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At
sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my ."
The indians get his .
The cowboy grabs the 's ear and ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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FLOWERS 11/12/2013
What's better than roses on the piano?
-
-
-
-
-
Tulips on your organ....
0 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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CHECK UP 11/12/2013
I went for a testicle check up last week.
The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't
worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during
this procedure."
I said "But I haven't got an erection"
She replied "No, but I have !"...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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G/F CHEATING ON ME??????????? 11/12/2013
While my girlfriend was showering I took a sneaky look at
her Internet browsing history.
I was shocked to see her last search was, 'how to enjoy
sex with a boring guy with a small penis.'
The next thought that crossed my mind was, she must be cheating
on me......
0 Comments, 112 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
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THIS IS HOW ITS DONE 11/12/2013
My new girlfriend just said
"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall
asleep in each others arms, What about you?"
I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and
throw the tissues away!"...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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GAS STATION 11/12/2013
A gas station owner in Chicago was trying to increase his
sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietorsaid, 'You were
close. The number was ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
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NEEDS A BIKE 11/12/2013
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said ' we'd give you one but the mortgage
on this house is $280, 000 and your mother just lost her
job. There’s no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked ' where are
you going?'
Little Joseph told him;'I was walking past ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
NEEDS A BIKE 11/12/2013
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said ' we'd give you one but the mortgage
on this house is $280, 000 and your mother just lost her
job. There’s no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked ' where are
you going?'
Little Joseph told him;'I was walking past ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
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|
POLICEMAN 11/12/2013
Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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POLITICAL FOLLY 11/12/2013
A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire
in the middle of nowhere.
Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only
option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride
to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.
He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do, " replied ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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DEAR LORD 11/12/2013
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll beat him to death....
0 Comments, 37 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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Safe sex 11/11/2013
A guy finally gets the courage to ask the hottest girl in
school out. He has heard that she puts out on the first date.
She tells him that he has to use a condom, so he goes to the
pharmacy to buy some. The pharmacist helps him and says
"you must have a hot date tonight." The says
yes that she is the easiest girl in school and he was going
to get it all night. That night when he goes to pick her ...
0 Comments, 135 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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UNLIMITED????? 11/9/2013
If science proves there is a finite amount of matter in the
universe, how does Olive Garden offer unlimited salad and breadsticks?...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
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Mensa Question 11/9/2013
You are on a , galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same
speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping but
your is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the
in front of you.
What must you do to safely get ...
1 Comments, 131 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Random Thoughts 11/9/2013
A Man's Random Thoughts:
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the
middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and
farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble ...
2 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!!! 11/9/2013
I Just Realized Something:
My sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during
the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger
than he needs, but he is not ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Pumpkin sex 11/9/2013
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence,
22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle
of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch
on his way home from a drinking ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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SPANISH FLY 11/4/2013
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the guy for some Spanish
fly..
The pharmacists says..sorry I can't sell you that,
its to dangerous...
After an hour of begging he tells the pharmacist that he has 3 women coming over that evening
and really needs it..
Well the pharmacist sells it to him with the promise that
he will return the next morning and tell him how things ...
1 Comments, 129 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
GONE FISHING 11/4/2013
Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish.
Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go
fishing you always catch the most fish."
Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husband's
thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side
of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish
off the right side of the boat."
Wanda ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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NEW OWNER 11/4/2013
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were
no males employed there. She asked if there was something
which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
|
|
Women proposing 11/3/2013
Women will ever be able to propose to a man. As soon as she
gets on her knees, the man's instant reaction will
be to pull his pants down! lmao
1 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Golf Riders 11/1/2013
Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes
of golf.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "I had the most riders ever.
I had five."
The second old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as
last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12
riders today."
After they went into the ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Old guys were golfing 11/1/2013
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the
men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of
dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the
very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked.
"Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
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Remember 11/1/2013
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
"We have to pass it, to find out what's in it."
A physician called into a radio show and said: "that's the definition of a stool sample."
That pretty well sums it up.
0 Comments, 66 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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MAKING HIM VOMIT 10/31/2013
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front.
He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers,
one with his fingers up the butt of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies, "My friend here has had too much
to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." ...
0 Comments, 122 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
THE GUY GETS LUCKY 10/31/2013
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink
and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries
to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with
no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly
man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds
he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar
with the two ...
0 Comments, 130 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
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A HEADACHE 10/31/2013
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided
to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time
they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at
your tits, " he said. "Why don't you take
your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
DRUNK IRISHMAN 10/31/2013
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING 10/31/2013
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at a
National Park Service house.
One is from West Virginia, another is from Utah and the third,
is from Illinois . All three go with a NPS official to examine
the fence.
The West Virginia contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well, " he says, "I figure the job ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
dear santa 10/31/2013
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me
a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
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Is God Michael Jackson 10/31/2013
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
0 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
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Pissed Out A Bullet 10/31/2013
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into
labor with 3 .
Her husband didn’t want to be any part of this so he decided
to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a
sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through
it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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$400 For A Night 10/31/2013
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front
porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’,
said the man. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just
found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside
the house only to come back a few minutes later ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
THE AFFAIR 10/30/2013
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants
to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into
the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the ...
3 Comments, 161 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
|
|
'Go-To' guy' 10/30/2013
Location, Location, Location
In the news this week, a Southern California man was put
under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found
he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) one million
rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also
has a secret escape tunnel.
The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about
a million machine gun bullets!" and the ...
0 Comments, 1579 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Only permanent injury 10/30/2013
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while
ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during
a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the
heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital
staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on
flight status but eventually became an Admiral. ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
(or maybe not!) 10/29/2013
Some of you gray hairs should remember some of these old
song (or maybe not!)
60's Hits Renamed
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can
remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.
They include:
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
The ZIPPER 10/29/2013
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
Did I send this to you already? 10/29/2013
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely
forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange
memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered
that passing through a doorway triggers what's known
as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts
and memories from the next. ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
"high wind?" 10/29/2013
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away
in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me,
madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know, " said the lady. "I need
both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
LITTLE JOHNNY AT THE ZOO 10/28/2013
So little Johnny is being taken to the Zoo for the first time,
by his parents.
He is amazed at all the different kinds of animals.
When he gets to the Elephant enclosure he asks his Mother.
"What's that thing hanging down between his
legs?"
Mother. "Oh, that's his trunk."
Johnny. "No, at the other end?"
Mother. "It's nothing dear."
Johnny then ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
EXPENSIVE APPLES 10/28/2013
This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side
of the road he sees a sign:
"Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the
side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so
expensive.
The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and
jelly apples." So the guy buys one.
He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's
the peanut butter?" The ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
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KNOW YOUR NUMBER 10/28/2013
Ring-g-g-g-g-
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, . . . is your Mommy near the
phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Unc'a Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't
got an Uncle Frank, honey."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom
with Mommy right now!"
"Uh, okay, then . . . here's what I want you to ...
0 Comments, 130 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
AT THE PSYCHIATRISTS 10/28/2013
I'd been having some gay dreams, so I went to see a psychiatrist
about it.
He said, "Take a seat, Gary, and I'll ask you a
few questions. Just say what comes naturally. Ok?"
"Ok, " I said, sitting down.
"Pink or blue?"
"Blue."
"Batman or Robin?"
"Batman."
"The Foo Fighters or One Direction?"
"The Foo Fighters."
...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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A RABBIT, GIRAFFE, ELEPHANT AND A LION 10/26/2013
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when
he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe
my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the
forest! You'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and
goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across
an elephant ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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A SCARY INTRODUCTION 10/26/2013
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up,
just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens
the door.
In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says
"You're the biggest man I have ever seen".
The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh
259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."
The dwarf faints!
After ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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GREEKS VS. ITALIANS 10/26/2013
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who
had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
..and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We
invented sex."
The Italian ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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THREE HOLES 10/26/2013
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for
the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy
if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure, " says the farmer, "as long as
you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes."
The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there.
Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken
up in the ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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SIMPLE LOGIC OF A WOMEN 10/26/2013
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was
asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor, ' she began coolly, 'I ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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OLE'S FARM 10/25/2013
Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall
and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and
Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole,
"Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you
this bad news in person instead of by letter."
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
The surveyors ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Washington Redskins Change Their Name... 10/25/2013
The Washington Redskins are changing their name because
of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity,
adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination,
division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit,
un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.
From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.
0 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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One more time 10/25/2013
Cure for Anger A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's
temper.
The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to
do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.
It scares me."
The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems
that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of
water and ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
0 Votes
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THE TALKING CENTIPEDE 10/24/2013
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use
for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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Medical distinction 10/23/2013
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to
ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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It is that time of the year 10/23/2013
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes
out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the
middle of the street toward him.
...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Passing this one on... 10/23/2013
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for
a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only
a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute
now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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72 virgins in Heaven 10/23/2013
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared
before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding,
but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all
my time in terrorist training school, I have never been
with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't
know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Sealed 10/22/2013
An Eskimo takes car to a mechanic says dunno mate just started
running like a pig the other day. Leave it with me mr. Eskimo
be running sweet as by time you do ya shopping. Mqg. Eskimo
walking back later bag of shopping in one hand and an icecream
in the other asks the mechanic whats the verdict mate? Mechanic
says hmmm looks like ya blowna seal mate . Eskimo wipes his
mouth and says nah honest ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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Hindi Joke 10/22/2013
Awarded Double Meaning
Joke:
.
. lady to rikshwalla "...under tak jaayega?"
.
. rikshawalla "bilkul jaayega madam, aapke liye toh khada kiya hai."
.
.
.
. lady "thik hai toh..ghumake phicche se le lo...."...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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PHIL'S SICK 10/21/2013
At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the
congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil,
was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him."
A ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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ANOTHER VIEW OF S&M 10/20/2013
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their , homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so
but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just ...
1 Comments, 125 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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WHY, COACH? WHY? 10/20/2013
A high school football team was in the state semi-final
game and leading by two points late in the fourth quarter.
All they had to do was protect their lead for another 5 minutes
and they would be playing next week for the state championship.
They had the ball and a pass play had been called. All of the
receivers were well covered so the quarterback ran with
the ball. Just ...
2 Comments, 122 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out 10/20/2013
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo
flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed,
and to spare her young 's innocence, the mother
turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was
an insect." To which, her replies, "I'm
surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
0 Comments, 115 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
like in the movies 10/20/2013
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she
looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her
face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
0 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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greed to anal sex 10/20/2013
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know
what a strap-on is?
0 Comments, 77 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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anal sex or oral sex? 10/20/2013
My mate and I were sitting in a pub when he asked me: "So what do you prefer anal sex or oral sex?"
"Easy one, " I replied. "Anal sex all
the way. I do it all time."
"Okay, then how about this: Anal sex or vaginal sex?"
"Vaginal sex?" I snickered. "I don't
have a vagina."
0 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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OF A BITCH 10/19/2013
This takes place someplace in the South:
A little boy was doing his math homework & saying:
2+5, the of a bitch is 7
3+6, the of a bitch is 9. . .
His Mom: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm doing math homework
Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?!!!!
Boy: Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day-
'What ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
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NSA 10/18/2013
People all over the world are protesting their governments.....
And I'm just sitting here while the NSA watches me masturbate....
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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TEETH & GUMS 10/18/2013
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing
room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored
and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand
up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T
YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks
his lucky stars that nothing ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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CAT'S HERE????????? 10/18/2013
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell
my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves
for school today!'"...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
BEE STING 10/18/2013
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started
playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back
early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Here's an answer 10/18/2013
Should witness childbirth? Good question. Here's
an answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother
pushed and pushed and after a little ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore 10/18/2013
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore , they
have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who
said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella,
I'va ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
With the worst premonition 10/18/2013
A father passing by his 's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked
up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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ITALIAN HONEYMOON 10/18/2013
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his
new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop
in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for
da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
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Why Some Men Have a And No Wife: 10/18/2013
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's
name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
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Paraprosdokians 10/18/2013
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear
bright until you hear them speak. ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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CONDOM FACTORY BURNS IN U.S.A. 10/17/2013
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is
an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex
factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated
that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the
end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Do you fart in bed? 10/17/2013
Do you fart in bed ?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the
noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
OYSTERS 10/15/2013
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Spain ..
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
GET A VASE 10/13/2013
A young secretary gets twelve red roses delivered to her
desk.
Noticing this another older female co-worker says "
Aren’t those beautiful! Your boyfriend is SO sweet to
send those to you."
The younger gal groans her reply "Yeah, but you know
what this means?" "It means I’ll be spending
the next 3 days on my back, with my ankles in the air."
Puzzled by her comment, ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
SCOOP 10/13/2013
Q: Why did the reporter rush into the ice cream shop?
A: He was looking for a scoop....
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
IDK???? 10/13/2013
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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DUMB DUMB DUMB 10/13/2013
Woman. "I've forgotten to take my cotradictive
pills."
Doctor. "You're ignorant."
Woman. "Yes, three months."...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
AT THE PEARLY GATES 10/13/2013
An old man appears at the Pearly Gates and says to St. Peter
that he is looking for is . He says that his has holes
in his hands ans feet. St. Peter picks up his phone and calls Jesus. St. Peter. "Jesus, there is an old guy here who thinks
he's the Boss. Would you come down and humor him?"
Jesus. "Ok, I'll be there shortly." Jesus arrives at the gates, looks at the old man and says. ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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QUICKIE 10/13/2013
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone....
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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MORMON & AN IRISHMAN 10/13/2013
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought
and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like
a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
attacked by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my ...
1 Comments, 113 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
WHY DADDY???? 10/13/2013
A baby Polar Bear looks up at his father and says 'Dad, am I a real Polar Bear?' His father looks down and says, 'Of course you are,
'. Five minutes pass and the baby says, 'Dad, are you sure
I'm not part Grizzly Bear?'
Again his Dad looks down and says, 'No, , I'm
a pure Polar Bear and so is your Mother, so that makes you
a pure Polar Bear too.
A few minutes pass and the baby ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
LITTLE JOHNNY 10/13/2013
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching away
from a big box of chocolates.
An older man, sitting on the bench across the way, says "Y'know,
, if you keep eating those chocolates that way you're
going to get fat, and acne, and bad teeth".
Little Johnny says "Y'know, sir, my grandfather
lived to be 102"
The man asks "Oh, and did he eat big boxes of chocolate ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
SHIPWRECK 10/13/2013
A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The
only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.
The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach
every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was
a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
THUMB THING 10/13/2013
When the waitress sets the bowl down on the table, the guy
notices, she has her thumb in her soup.
The guy says, "I'm not eating that soup, after
you had your thumb in it."
Waitress says, "Oh yeah, I'm really sorry about
that, but I have an infection in my thumb, and my doctor told
me to keep it warm and moist."
The guy replies, "Why don't you stick it up your
ass then ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
OVERDOSE 10/13/2013
Q: How do you treat an overdose of Viagra?
A: You look at pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Ann Coulter....
0 Comments, 38 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
LANCE ARMSTRONG 10/13/2013
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone
has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he
has achieved, winning seven Tour De France races while
on drugs...
Hell when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike....
0 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
The proper usage of condoms... 10/13/2013
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call
on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
GOD IS WATCHING 10/11/2013
The were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples..
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A had written a note, 'Take all you ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Little Johnny popped up and said 10/10/2013
A teacher went around her class asking each of the what
they needed at home.
Joey said, "A computer."
The teacher replied, "That would be very useful."
Jenny said, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replied, "That would also be very
useful."
Little Johnny popped up and said, "At my house we don't
need anything!"
The teacher asked him to ...
0 Comments, 146 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
|
|
wanna be 10/10/2013
Teacher asks the in class, "What do you want to
be when you grow up?" Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful
bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht,
an infinite visa card and I wanna shag her 3 times a day..."
The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little
Nancy and asks, " What ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
On his deathbed 10/9/2013
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with
his nurse, his wife, his and 2 sons, and knows the
end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City
Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
|
'What do you do in America with your old goats 10/9/2013
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher,
I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon
I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?' ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Life's like that!!!!!!!!!! 10/9/2013
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was
my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
|
|
TWO GIRLS IN A PUB 10/7/2013
Two women were sitting next to each other in a pub. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're
from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland
are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Twenty Dollars all crumpled up? 10/7/2013
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No, " said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or
4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
|
|
Playing poker 10/7/2013
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's
wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get ...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
LOVE FROM COSTA RICA 10/6/2013
A woman goes to see her Doctor, complaining of an odd affliction.
'I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my
vagina', she says.
The Doctor has a look and says, 'They're not postage
stamps, they're the stickers off the bananas'....
0 Comments, 97 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
|
|
CONFUCIUS SAY 10/6/2013
Confucius say A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."
Confucius Say A Lion will not betray his wife.... but a Tiger Wood.
Confucius Say Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.
Confucius Say The Army is like a blow job. The closer you get to discharge,
the better it feels.
Confucius Say Women are like convertibles. They're both more fun ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
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CONDOMS 10/6/2013
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Please pass this public safety information on....
0 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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HOW ABOUT A PUSH?????????? 10/6/2013
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat
on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time, "
he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going
to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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JONAH 10/5/2013
A little native girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little native girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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I'YELL TOO. 10/5/2013
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced,
at 5:30 after work. His wife yells at him as his friend listens
in. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a
mess, the dishes are not done, the are being brats,
I'm still in my pajamas and I'm not cooking tonight.
We are ordering pizza. Why did you bring him home with you?
................................
The husband ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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QUESTION 10/4/2013
Q: What does the sign on the house say, after they have
closed for the day?
A: We're Closed, Beat It! ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Train Ride 10/4/2013
A man with 8 is traveling by train. A lady asked:
"Are they your ?"
Man: "No Madam! Actually I am the owner of a condom
company and they are the complaints of my customers."
0 Comments, 80 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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alien wife swap 10/4/2013
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are
talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject
of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do, " responded the
Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another. The
female Earthling and the ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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THE STRANGER 10/1/2013
A stranger walks in to a western saloon.
He's wearing a black cowboy hat, black leathers, silver
spurs and a fine pair of pearl-handled silver guns.
The barman says 'Them thar's a mighty fine pair
of six-shooters your wearin' Stranger.
Here's bettin' ya two fingers of 'Redeye'
you don't know how to use 'em'.
With that, the stranger whirls around, draws both ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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NEW GORILLA 10/1/2013
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny,
and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the
problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no
male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators
noticed Mike, an ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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DEODORANT TYPE????? 9/30/2013
I went into a drug store the other day to purchase some deodorant.
I asked the guy behind the counter where the deodorant was?
He said.."Ball type?"
I said..."No under arm"...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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DON'T EAT THE PIG 9/30/2013
A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his
way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows
and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields
and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something
really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself
and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly
- it looked like a pig with a ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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WHY DID YOU GO AWOL?????? 9/30/2013
When in the Army with in the first couple of days we had one
of the guys go AWOL...
Well, just before Basic was over he came back and turned
himself in, the General wanted to know why he went over the
wall, thinking maybe his answers might help and stop others
from going AWOL.
General asked him, ", what prompted you to go over
the hill"? Private said...Well sir..The first day ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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TWO BOYS & A NUN 9/30/2013
Two small boys are arguing on a train. The first says 'No! It's spelled W.O.O.M.'
The second boy says, 'Nah! It's spelled 'W.H.O.O.M.'.
A nun sitting opposite leans forward and says, 'Actually, boys, you're both wrong. Womb is spelled
'W.O.M.B.' The first little boy scowls at her and says, 'What are you talking about? I bet you've never
even seen a Hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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A PUMPKIN 9/29/2013
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence,
a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the
middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence
was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch
on his way home from a ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Dead Crows 9/29/2013
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian
Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared
to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Profound philosophy 9/29/2013
This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard
in recent times:
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging
free...
it's women who make it hard."
0 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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WELL, HERE'S A RECAP OF LAST YEAR.... 9/29/2013
MANY OF YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.
WELL, HERE'S A RECAP OF LAST YEAR.... Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach....
Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach....
Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.... Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned....
Now how do we get the Congress to play Alabama?
0 Comments, 68 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. 9/29/2013
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to
knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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SWIMMERS 9/28/2013
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first
has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body,
just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy
with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight
to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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MULTI-TASKING 9/28/2013
If women are so good at multi-tasking why can't they
have a headache and an orgasm at the same time....
0 Comments, 43 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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HILLERY TAKES A NEW NAME 9/28/2013
TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES
IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR CANDIDATE FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.
FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY
HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.
SO FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:
“SELDOM BIN LAYED”...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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PLEASE THE GODFATHER 9/28/2013
The godfather of a major crime family was sitting in a room
when he had one of his lieutenants summon a young wannabe
to speak to him.
Tony, the young wannabe quickly arrived, eager to speak
to the boss. " godfather, how can I be of service to
the family?"
The godfather replied, " Tony, are you sure you will
do anything for the family, anything I tell you?".
Tony ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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A BIKER 9/28/2013
A biker and his ol' lady go to the doctor because she's
complaining of a persistent itch in a very private spot.
After examining her, the doc walks to the waiting room and
says to the biker, 'Sir, your wife has acute vaginitus.'
The biker replies, 'Yeah, I like it myself. So what
the fuck's wrong with her?'...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Politicians 9/27/2013
A group of men are sitting at a bar getting a little tipsy
and cantankerous and a little bit loud. One of them pipes
up and says: "All these goddamned politicians, they're
nothing but a bunch of goddamned liars." And the bare all shouted "here here!" Then the man next to him shouts out: "Fucking politicians, nothing but a pack of greedy
fat cats! The bar shouts "here here!" Then a man on the end ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Interview 9/27/2013
Job interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest
weakness?"
Old man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty
is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."
0 Comments, 115 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Note to golfers 9/27/2013
* Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're
sold by the dozen... and a week later you have to buy more.
* A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have
the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
* It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around
the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks
and rake his sand traps. ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
0 Votes
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Two are arguing 9/27/2013
Two are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning
strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second replies, "Yeah? Well, that's
nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the
nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
0 Comments, 76 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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READ THIS YOU MIGHT FEEL SMARTER 9/26/2013
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and
read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, ,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone
was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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ONE NIGHT AT THE BAR 9/26/2013
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very
hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and
asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales,
Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you
three whales from Scotland?"
And that's ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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GOLF INJURY 9/26/2013
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
to apologize. "Please allow me to ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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COMMANDO 9/26/2013
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about
my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk
about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a
snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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5 HORSES 9/26/2013
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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WHERE I SHOP 9/26/2013
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to the local town
council about this running amok security rubbish, I did
just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how I should position
my credit card. ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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HAPPY HOUR SOUTHERN STYLE 9/26/2013
Bubba was driving down a back road in South Carolina ..
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "
"Them's my three favorites".....
0 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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THE MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION 9/26/2013
A Baptist pastor was presenting a 's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the if they knew what
the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during 's sermons
is crucial, but at the same time, asking questions
in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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OLE'S FARM 9/26/2013
Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall
and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and
Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole,
"Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you
this bad news in person instead of by letter."
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
The surveyors ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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RYE BREAD 9/26/2013
Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park
bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old
was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every
day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have
great stamina with the ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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GOLF 9/26/2013
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra"
pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied,
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years
old ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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LENA & OLE 9/26/2013
Lena is pregnant with Ole's .
Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's
time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the
hospital to have their first baby..
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and
said, 'A ! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole
got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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'What can I do for you?' 9/25/2013
An Arizona couple, both well into their 70's, go to
a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that
such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that
he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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You just got to love the Brits. 9/25/2013
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly
asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed
by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because
in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially
Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped
the cab and opened the ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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REALLY HURT 9/24/2013
Patton staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to
avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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CHICKEN 9/24/2013
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the
little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this
one end?'
'When it was over, ' Mike replied, 'She came
to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really, ' said Charles, 'Now that's
a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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FUNNIES II 9/24/2013
1)How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
2)What's the difference between love, true love,
and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
3)What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
4)Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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FUNNIES 9/24/2013
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming
or going. ”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re
going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking
Down Syndrome trying to whistle!”
Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.
Bungee ...
1 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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THE OUTBACK TOILET 9/24/2013
An old salty Sailor who had lost both legs in different nautical
accidents was managing quite well on two wooden legs until
one day in his travels around Australia he found himself
in a outback Pub. Came the time he had to go to the toilet for a number two and
asked the barman where it was.
The barman warned him, that it was quite primitive and that
it was just a plank over a hole in the ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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SHOPPING AROUND 9/24/2013
A store owner hires a young woman who loves mini-skirts.
A young man walks in, glances at her, and spots some raisin
bread on the top shelf.
"Some raisin bread, please." The man says.
She climbs a ladder to reach the bread, and the man looks
up her skirt, admiring the view. By the time she 's back
on the ground, there's a line of men behind the first
young man. Each one asks for ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WHERE FROM??????? 9/22/2013
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged
three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and
was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery
game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting
license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia
hunting license. The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY PART 3 9/20/2013
She was only a fisherman's , but she smelled
like her father's catch.
She was only an locomotive engineer's , but
she loved to pull a train every Saturday night.
She was only a woodworker's , but she loved
getting nailed.
She was only a dentist's , but she loved getting
drilled & filled....
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY PART 2 9/20/2013
She was only a moon-shiner's , but I loved
her still.
A stockbroker's , but everyone got their
share.
a cabinet maker's , but everyone knew what's
in her drawers.
She was only a carpenter's , but boy! could
she take a good screw!
She was only a bicyclist's , but she let everyone
have a ride!
She was only a ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY 9/20/2013
A Road-maker's , but she always liked her
Asphalt.
A Cricketer's , but she could always take
a Full-toss in the Crease.
A Band-leader's , but she always hummed in
Ragtime.
A Signalers , but she 'Di-dit' because
her 'Da-Da di-dit'.
A Stable Hand's , but all the Manure....
0 Comments, 52 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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