Long Distance

Should You Date Someone in Another City?

Long-distance love isn't something most people seek out. After all, you want to find someone who lives close enough so that you can spend time together. But sometimes, we meet people outside of our desired geographic locations and we want to try and make it work - to create a long-distance relationship.

But how do you actually do this successfully?

Long-distance relationships do come with many challenges. It's hard to be apart and removed from each other's lives, (but it's also very romantic every time you're reunited, which helps keep the desire going). To avoid conflict and misunderstanding, it's important to communicate with each other on a regular basis.

Following are some tips to help build your long-distance relationship:

Take it slowly. If you met online, or had a brief fling while you were visiting a friend in another city, you don't really know the other person. It takes time to build a relationship - to get to know another person. So don't dive head first into romance. Talk to each other over the phone. Make plans to see each other in person, sooner rather than later. If you haven't yet met in person, then make sure it happens before you are too emotionally involved. The other person might be misrepresenting themselves and deceiving you (a term known as catfishing). Proceed with caution, and if your love keeps making excuses and avoids getting together, likely she has something to hide.

Communicate regularly. Texting is great and easy, but long-distance relationships require a little more involvement since you don't see each other face-to-face so often. Schedule time to Skype with each other or even talk on the phone. Tell him/ her details about your day, to include them in your daily life as much as you can. If something is bothering you, like the fact that you're the one doing all the calling, it's also best to share sooner rather than later. You don't want misunderstandings or resentments building up, and you do want the reassurance that you both feel the same way (committed to the relationship).

Live your own lives. Don't sit by the phone every Saturday night waiting for your partner to call. Instead, be more social. Make new friends, spend time with family, pursue hobbies you love. Developing your own life is important for long-term relationship success, no matter how far apart you are geographically.

Have a plan. Don't enter into a long-distance relationship without talking to each other about the end goal. You both would like to end up in the same place, right? If one of you is going to school, make plans for after graduation to relocate to one city. If your jobs are taking you away from each other for the long-term, one of you might want to consider moving should the relationship keep moving forward. Make a plan to assess things six months to a year from now.

Writing Your Own Rules

When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?

In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.

For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!

Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.

Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.

And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?

It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?

Pros and Cons of Long-Distance Relationships

Sometimes, it’s just difficult to meet someone in your own small town, and you’ve turned to online dating to broaden your search. Or maybe you did meet someone by chance, but they live on the other side of the country - or the world. Suddenly you’ve become thrust into a very specific kind of dating: the long-distance relationship. Though many consider a long distance to be the death knell for relationships, in fact many have led to successful, long-term partnerships. If you’re considering a long-distance relationship, it’s important to be aware of what you’re getting yourself into; all the pros and cons.

When you’re dealing with a long-distance relationship, it’s important to be practical. Adjustments are hard enough without assuming that everything will be unicorns and rainbows. Yes, you will probably spend more money on things that are less gratifying - gas, plane tickets and visas, for example - than presents and dates. Yes, the physical aspects of your relationship will be few and far-between. Though video chat does considerably lessen the feelings of distance, you’ll still have to inherently trust your partner, more and earlier. And that’s hard, especially when a practical person does have to realize that distance makes it easier to dupe someone, too.

However, long-distance relationships are not all gloom and doom. For one thing, having to make sacrifices early and often for a relationship really encourages those “adult,” “where-do-we-stand” conversations. Partners in a long-distance relationship essentially have to be on the same page for it to work. Secondly, most long-distance relationships have closing that distance as their end goal; instead of the endless limbo of dating someone because of convenience, things will either work out or they won’t - probably on a shorter timeline. And finally, working together to overcome a common goal - the distance between you - can contribute to the bonding experience.

But be aware of the traps that lurk in long-distance relationships! First and foremost is bitterness and resentment. These are toxic in the most stable of relationships, but they breed more easily when one of you has to give up your job, home, and life to move to the other one’s location. If you don’t want to do it, maybe it just won’t work out. That’s better than making the move, resenting your partner and eventually breaking up anyway.

Another hurdle is the opinions of friends and family. Be prepared for many raised eyebrows and pointed questions. Remember that though they may seem nosy or unhelpful, most of these questions come from a place of concern and love. Don’t create enemies, especially when you might either leave or be trying to integrate someone new into your family soon. And it doesn’t hurt to consider their views, either; sometimes love can blind us to red flags.

With a combination of faith in your relationship and practical attention to detail, it’s entirely possible to turn your long-distance relationship into a long-lasting (and up-close and personal) partnership. It might not be something you want to enter lightly, but the rewards can be well worth it.

8 Keys To Making Your Long Distance Relationship Work In The Year 2018

Today it's possible to find your soul mate living across the state, country, or world. Unfortunately, these relationships are more difficult since you'll need more time, money, and patience. However, this doesn't mean that these relationships are impossible. With the right mindset and understanding, they can actually be quite successful. Of course, there are a few tips you should keep in mind to make this happen.

Work on Your Communication Skills
Communication is so important. This is especially true of verbal communication since you can't see the other person's body language unless you meet virtually. Miscommunication is bound to happen and when it does you simply have to be patient with the other person. There will also be nights when one of you is too tired to talk on the phone. With this in mind, here are a few ways The Huffington Post suggests you work on your communication skills together:

Be patient and don't send late night texts saying you want to break up.
Tell your partner how you're feeling, whether you're depressed or tired, so they know how to react instead of getting into a fight with you.
Utilize all forms of communication that you have available to you – chat on the phone, send sweet texts throughout the day, share pictures of your daily life, write thoughtful emails, and have online video dates.
Schedule regular dates that you treat like in-person dates. Set up times to use video then treat those times as though they're special – even going so far as to get dressed up and light some candles, maybe even have the same wine available. You may even want to read a book or play a game together.
Learn how to ask good questions. This helps keep the conversation interesting and purposeful. It also helps your partner know that you're aware of their daily life and care enough to want to be involved.
Never be afraid of discussing your relationship goals. Talk about whether you want to move to the same city and when. This helps you be on the same page.

While these tips should help you communicate better, remember that fights and mis-communications are bound to happen. These even happen in relationships where people see each other daily or even live in the same house together. The fact that you're dealing with a great number of miles between you may even make these things happen more often. When you do argue, learn how to apologize and work through it. Don't take things too personally, but try to move forward instead.

Find Ways to Share Your Life Together
While communication is a major part of any long-distance relationship, finding ways in which you can spend daily life together is also vital. Most people who are in successful online relationships will tell you that communication simply isn't enough. Finding ways to have these daily experiences together is important, regardless of how many miles apart you are. Here are a few ways in which you can make this happen:

When one of you has to wake up early for work, have the other person set their alarm and call you as your backup alarm. Even if you're not a morning person, this could result in a nice conversation so you can start the day together.
Don't just send each other pictures of your day. Send videos too.

Don't wait until the end of the day to have a phone conversation. Call and text each other throughout the day so you're part of each other's daily life.

Make it a point to celebrate everything together no matter how big or small it may seem. Life is full of successes and knowing that your partner is there for you makes them even more rewarding.

Plan to Have Time Together in Person
All of these things are great but they'll never be recompense for the time you need to spend together. Unfortunately, you can't do this too often because you're living different lives and obviously money is also a factor. As such, you really do need to set up some ground rules for when you'll see one another. The Huffington Post recommends that couples never go more than 6 weeks without seeing one another in person – you really should visit one another every 2 – 3 weeks though.

Coming together for an in-person visit is definitely worth the effort. Maybe you can even find a place that's in the middle of where you two both live so you can meet up there. Regardless of where you meet, make sure you do it. When you get together there are a few things you should keep in mind:

Make big decisions in person so miscommunication doesn't happen as readily. You can both see each other's verbal cues which really helps here.
Don't spend all of your time together alone. This is tempting since you don't spend a lot of time together. Of course, it's also important but so is spending time together with other people. Doing so allows you to get to know each other's friends and allows them to get to know you as a couple so they see why you mean so much to one another. This also makes phone conversations more meaningful because your partner can picture who you're talking about.

Don't worry if every visit isn't perfect. There are a lot of considerations that go into these visits – whether to spend time alone or with a group; whether you need to work or study during this time; whether you need to have an important conversation. These are just a few things that make such trips “real.” However, if you actually take the time to keep your relationship “real” when you aren't together, this really won't be so scary when you are together. By embracing the ups and downs of your relationship when they do happen you'll feel more comfortable with them regardless of where you are.